Kayla Moncur | How to be Married to an Engineer

In her first podcast appearance since her breakthrough hit podcasting series “Scared of Everything,” Kayla Moncur makes her debut on the Being An Engineer podcast to share with the engineering community what it’s like being married to an engineer. She explains a concept called “emotions” and how normal people have them, and how engineers can learn to read these “emotions” in order to communicate basic needs with their spouses. Kayla also introduces her best-selling tool for maintaining healthy relationships between engineers and their significant others: The Engineer’s Relationship Flowchart. You won’t want to miss this episode. 

 Aaron Moncur, host

ABOUT BEING AN ENGINEER

The Being an Engineer podcast is a repository for industry knowledge and a tool through which engineers learn about and connect with relevant companies, technologies, people resources, and opportunities. We feature successful mechanical engineers and interview engineers who are passionate about their work and who made a great impact on the engineering community.

The Being An Engineer podcast is brought to you by Pipeline Design & Engineering. Pipeline partners with medical & other device engineering teams who need turnkey equipment such as cycle test machines, custom test fixtures, automation equipment, assembly jigs, inspection stations and more. You can find us on the web at www.teampipeline.us

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About Being An Engineer

The Being An Engineer podcast is a repository for industry knowledge and a tool through which engineers learn about and connect with relevant companies, technologies, people resources, and opportunities. We feature successful mechanical engineers and interview engineers who are passionate about their work and who made a great impact on the engineering community.

The Being An Engineer podcast is brought to you by Pipeline Design & Engineering. Pipeline partners with medical & other device engineering teams who need turnkey equipment such as cycle test machines, custom test fixtures, automation equipment, assembly jigs, inspection stations and more. You can find us on the web at www.teampipeline.us

Transcript

Presenter: 0:00

Hi, everyone. We've set up this being an engineer podcast as an industry knowledge repository, if you will, we hope it'll be a tool where engineers can learn about and connect with other companies, technologies, people, resources and opportunities. So make some connections and enjoy the show.

Kayla Moncur: 0:18

Here's my advice. If you're still thinking about it after you've had a nap or gone to sleep, like then it's worth bringing up.

Aaron Moncur: 0:40

Hello, and welcome to another exciting episode of The being an engineer podcast. We decided to do something fun and different today. Instead of having another engineer as our guest, I have invited someone who arguably ends up having to solve even more problems than an engineer, my wife. So, Kayla is my wife and she has graciously agreed to share with the world. What it's like to be married to an engineer. Hello? Hello, wifey.

Kayla Moncur: 1:11

Hello, how are you?

Aaron Moncur: 1:13

This is kind of weird seeing you. I'm at work. And you're actually my office at home doing the podcast. It's a little bit surreal. After we did about 20 minutes of it troubleshooting. Finally, here we are in the podcast. And actually, Kayla had a podcast of her own that did how many episodes

Kayla Moncur: 1:34

one, sir. The microphone at our house, Aaron bought for my podcast that I did one episode, and then tried to record a second episode like 10 times. It's like, scary, like, well, you couldn't get the microphone to work properly. So you stole it. And it's worked just fine for you, of course,

Aaron Moncur: 1:55

until we did this episode, and it took us 20 minutes to get the audio working. So I'm sensing a trend.

Kayla Moncur: 2:00

It might be the monkey, not the hardware.

Aaron Moncur: 2:04

Okay, so before we jump into questions about what it's like to be married to an engineer, I think this will be interesting and useful for both the engineers out there because Kayla can provide some perspective about what it's like being married to an engineer and maybe share some pieces of information that will be useful for us engineers and communicating with our our significant others spouses, whatever partners. And, and perhaps some of you out there will want to share this episode with your wife because she can commiserate with Kayla and the things that she shares. We can relate. We can they can relate for sure. What are a couple of things about us as a couple that we can share. So the audience get to get to know us just a little bit.

Kayla Moncur: 2:51

Um, we got married super fast. I was 20. Aaron,

Aaron Moncur: 2:58

we got engaged even faster.

Kayla Moncur: 3:00

Yeah, that's probably a better way of putting it. I was 20. Aaron was 26. And we met on my sister's birthday, which was July 10. And we got engaged on August 4, which is Aaron's birthday.

Aaron Moncur: 3:14

And we got about three weeks to do the math for you to do the math.

Kayla Moncur: 3:18

And then we got married December 21 of that same year. So I did the math lunch once and it was five months and 11 days from strangers to spouses.

Aaron Moncur: 3:27

Five months and 11 days. Yeah, with a three week three weeks to engagement. That's pretty impressive. I have not met very many people who can claim a whirlwind romance like that.

Kayla Moncur: 3:38

Yeah. And we've been married for almost 17 years. So it was a little crazy yet long. It'll be 17 in December.

Aaron Moncur: 3:44

I thought we were on 16. Okay, last anniversary was 16. Okay, it's just gone by so fast. You've made it such a delight and a pleasure and joy.

Kayla Moncur: 3:55

Yeah, Joy. But yeah, I mean, it could have gone really bad considering we didn't actually know each other when we got married, but it's worked out really well. We've been very lucky.

Aaron Moncur: 4:06

Yeah. Okay, when we got married, I thought of you is simply Kayla, very intelligent. Very fun, attractive, funny. But just Kayla, and I think that when you decided to marry me that it was it was Aaron of course, but there was also I'm marrying an engineer that accurate.

Kayla Moncur: 4:31

Okay, well, I feel like it's illustrative that when I was dating my my family kind of had trouble keeping. This reflects badly on me. They had trouble keeping the boys names straight. Like who was who so everybody got assigned nicknames because it just was easier for them. And Aaron's nickname for my family was quirky engineer dude or QED as my my family called him. So the fact that you were an engineer was kind of central to your, to your identity as my as my dating partner, at least to my family. That was how they defined you. You were a quirky engineer.

Aaron Moncur: 5:12

Yeah. Okay. And did the fact that I was an engineer sway you in one way or another to getting married?

Kayla Moncur: 5:20

Well, I mean, the earning potential is obviously, the most important thing.

Aaron Moncur: 5:28

Obviously, my wife has very high maintenance everyone. So you know, yeah,

Kayla Moncur: 5:32

no, I'm not, no. But I was, I was two years into college. And I was studying anthropology. And it was just kind of starting to occur to me that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it, or even what I could do with an anthropology degree. And I met you, and you said, you were getting your masters in engineering. And I was like, wow, that actually is something that like, leads to a like a career path. And like the ability to support yourself and you know, a family. And I remember feeling, I mean, I was 20. So I was like, you know, an infant. But I remember feeling very impressed by that, like you had such a, like, an adult, like path that you were on. And I was like, looking at petroglyphs in the desert and as part of my classes, which is just not something that you can turn into a career. And so I did, I was really impressed by the fact that you're studying engineering, and it wasn't just engineering as biomedical engineering, which sounds extra impressive. And so I did, I did like that you were an engineer. I thought that was that was a nice little perk.

Aaron Moncur: 6:36

Okay, sounds like I had you fooled really well, that I was actually gonna take care of you and do stuff that an adult does.

Kayla Moncur: 6:46

Yeah, joke's on me. Jokes.

Aaron Moncur: 6:50

I'm really good at calling people to come fix things at the house and then paying them. Okay, that what is it like?

Kayla Moncur: 6:57

No, I'm gonna back back you up, you are good at fixing things. And that was actually really important to me. Because I grew up with a dad who was a general contractor for most of my growing up years, he's extremely handy. And I always felt really important to me to have a spouse or a partner who could kind of do some of the things that he could do could fix things could figure it out, puzzle their way through, you know, home repairs, and whatever else. And you do that, like you're really good at it. And yes, sometimes you pay people to come fix things at the house. But it's, it's not like, for lack of knowledge. I think it's more for lack of time, but you've done a lot of really like, like, When are the wheel on our BBQ broke? Like, how long has that been a decade? 10 years?

Aaron Moncur: 7:46

At least? Yeah,

Kayla Moncur: 7:48

Maybe 12 years ago, you like looked at the remaining wheel, and you modeled it in CAD and you 3d printed a replacement wheel that is still on the barbecue.

Aaron Moncur: 7:58

Amazingly amazing.

Kayla Moncur: 8:02

So like, I feel like you do like it was it was important to me to have somebody who could, you know, fix things? And and you do? You're great at it. And turns out I am also good at it. So between the two of us we've been able to tackle, you know, most most home proud. Yeah,

Aaron Moncur: 8:19

yeah. Kyla, I will mention built an entire library all by herself, including the electrical for lighting, which is very cool. And something I would not have even attempted to tackle because I don't do electrical. And she just figured it out.

Kayla Moncur: 8:33

Yeah, again, grew up with a dad who did it. So I feel very comfortable with electrical. And you know, and don't forget, my library has a rolling ladder. It's very important.

Aaron Moncur: 8:42

Thank you for reminding. Oh, could I forget that? Yeah, maybe the coolest feature, I did help with the rolling ladder a little bit. How's

Kayla Moncur: 8:49

it the rolling ladder and actually, that was something that I wanted to bring up was that there was our my rolling ladder, there needed to be some clearance off of the standoffs, or whatever they're called that that hold the pole away from the body of the bookcase. And Aaron figured out how to 3d print and then trim down these, these like spacers that would allow the ladder to roll all the way down. So that's a major perk of being married to an engineer.

Aaron Moncur: 9:20

We were even able to do some milling work on that brought it into HQ and we chucked it up on the milling machine and milled some some precision holes in there. worked out pretty well so impressed. And amazingly that's still working and on the bookshelf as well.

Kayla Moncur: 9:38

It's great. It was a perfect solution.

Aaron Moncur: 9:42

So all you engineers out here listening to this, I think you should pick up on some important tidbits here. We've learned that engineers are attractive to women despite what the world may think. Because they have some earning potential and they are perceived Even as adults, even though we all know we're not, but the outside world perceives us as adults, which is a big deal, so keep that in mind when you're dating. It's very

Kayla Moncur: 10:09

important, especially when you're dating a 20 year old looking like an adult is like,

Aaron Moncur: 10:14

No, I'm looking bad.

Kayla Moncur: 10:16

Here. No, you're only six years older. You're not that old.

Aaron Moncur: 10:21

All right, well, what what's the there was like a formula for what's acceptable? Acceptable dating age? Minimum,

Kayla Moncur: 10:27

half your age plus seven? half your age plus seven? Is

Aaron Moncur: 10:30

that what it is? Yeah. Okay, so I was the 26. half my age would be 13 plus seven is 20. So I just barely came in. At the limit. Squeezed, hold the line there, but yeah, just barely.

Kayla Moncur: 10:44

Well done.

Aaron Moncur: 10:45

Thank you. All right. Okay, what have you learned about engineering?

Kayla Moncur: 10:52

Well, I have learned there are different types of plastic.

Aaron Moncur: 10:56

I'm glad you mentioned that, because I had that written down to talk about how did you find out that there are different types of plastic?

Kayla Moncur: 11:07

So So Aaron, does this thing where he often will just like, stop and be looking at an item. And he just is like, pondering deeply while staring at you know, a remote or, you know, a phone case or something silly. And it took me, I don't know, it took me maybe a little bit longer than it should have to realize that he was looking at it, trying to figure out how things were manufactured. But one time he was, this was, this was a long time ago. I feel like in my defense, but we were on a one year or two after we got married me. Yeah, yeah. And we're walking along. And he's staring at this. I think it was a phone case, just really intently. And I was like, What are you doing? And he goes, I'm trying to figure out what this is me. And I just looked at him like he was stupid. And I was like, it's plastic.

Aaron Moncur: 11:58

What else could it be?

Kayla Moncur: 12:01

Like? You're the engineer, this is really embarrassing for you.

Aaron Moncur: 12:07

explained that there are more than one kind of plastic. And that has been an inside joke ever since.

Kayla Moncur: 12:13

Yeah, so I know that now. But I, I do like having engineer brain to people in the house. I mean, we've got Aaron obviously. And then we have three kids, our oldest, Wes is 14. Our metal Jones is 12. And then we have me who's seven. And I think all three kids definitely got some of Aaron's engineer brain because I don't contribute anything to that part of our gene pool. But it's really great to, like have a problem ahead of me and just be able to hand it over to one of them. Like I was trying to figure out how to assemble something the other day, and I couldn't figure it out. And Wes walked in, and I was like, figure this out? Who walked away? And he did you know, like, they're just they're wired differently. And it's, it's super handy. Yes,

Aaron Moncur: 13:03

speaking of wiring, we took apart our entertainment system at one point to I don't know, move furniture around or something. And there were all these wires sticking out the back to that got connected to speakers. And I think you just handed that over to Jones and no instructions or anything, right? There's just some random set of speakers and wires that he'd never looked at in his life. And he figured it out. Got them all plugged in. And it mostly worked,

Kayla Moncur: 13:27

I think, yeah, yeah, heaven knows I wasn't gonna be able to do it. But I figured he probably could. And he did. I mean, the downside of being married to an engineer, I guess, is also having engineering brain children because Jones does like to take things apart and doesn't always know how to put them back together.

Aaron Moncur: 13:46

We've got to purchase a new doorknob for his room at one point,

Kayla Moncur: 13:50

yeah, he he took it apart and it could not be reassembled. He also took apart his sister's doorknob. And it's never it's never really worked the same after that. Attempts were made. But yeah, he does now understand how doorknobs are, you know, put together and how they work. And he wrote he installed that new doorknob when it arrived. And I'm sure he enjoyed that.

Aaron Moncur: 14:13

Yeah, for sure. Okay, what strategies can partners use to communicate more effectively with their engineers, significant others? Well,

Kayla Moncur: 14:24

I came up with a really great tool for this. So, I mean, having to explain emotions, and how to be married to a person with like, needs and feelings can be hard for engineers,

Aaron Moncur: 14:40

like a normal human being like a normal non engineering human being.

Kayla Moncur: 14:44

Yeah, it's rough for you guys to be married to us. So I, at some point, I think I just got really frustrated with Aaron's inability to figure out like my very basic needs and I made him a flowchart

Aaron Moncur: 14:59

your basic needs we're referring to like, sad, happy, yeah, hungry, tired. Those kinds of things, not deep psychological trauma.

Kayla Moncur: 15:07

We're talking like, very like low. The bar is on the floor here. We're not like self actualization that I'm asking for help with. Yes, like the first I think the first one was like, like, if your wife is mad, it's like, has she been fed recently? Like, if not feed her, and then like, reassess, and it goes through this whole thing? Like, does she need to be fed? Does she need some time away from the children? Do you need to clean something like it's this very?

Aaron Moncur: 15:40

It was really cool. Yeah. And I could literally follow this flowchart and come up with a solution. Yeah. Is she hungry? Yes. Feed her. Okay. Done. Have the kids been noisy today? Yes. Okay, take them out and do something with them and let the wife be at home by herself for an hour. Okay. It was very actionable. And I was super impressed that you put that together, I still tell people about that. Tool, friend. It's

Kayla Moncur: 16:07

a great tool. And I've shared it with a few. A few people who like are not who are not engineers. And they still think like, they're like, this is just for guys, like guys need this. So it's probably not just an engineer thing. Maybe they just need a little bit of help. But yeah, like, I think it's helpful to I mean, I needed a user's manual, like Aaron needed a user's manual for me as a person. And I put one together.

Aaron Moncur: 16:36

And this was not like two months into our marriage. This was like, eight years. Yeah, marriage. Yeah, something like that. Been a while.

Kayla Moncur: 16:45

Like, wow, I can't believe we've been married this long. And he still can't quite figure out that sometimes I just need to be fed dinner. But here we are. Yeah, but it does go into like deeper ones. Like I think towards the end. Like if you've passed, you know, like the basic needs like food, some alone time a nap, you know, clean something, it gets down to like, hey, remember that? Like, my love language is words of affirmation, like maybe say something nice. And you know, it does go a little bit deeper than that.

Aaron Moncur: 17:11

I will say that I have improved maybe five to 7%. Since I got that.

Kayla Moncur: 17:17

Oh, absolutely measurable. Yeah. measurable improvement.

Aaron Moncur: 17:21

measurable improvement. Yeah. All right, this might be a similar question phrased in a different way, maybe it will elicit some different answers. What can engineers do to communicate more effectively with their significant others? So just reversing the roles here? You gave me this great flowchart? What can I do? What can engineers in general do to communicate effectively with their significant others if they don't have access to such a phenomenal flowcharts fancy flowchart? Um, maybe you could start a consulting business, here's how to how to get your engineer spouse to communicate well with

Kayla Moncur: 18:02

poor engineers. struggle? I don't I wish I had a good answer for that. I mean, I think just not waiting until things have, you know, built up to the point where you feel like, you're gonna explode, you know, like, starting starting a conversation before things get hard. You know, before emotions have gotten too high, it was really helpful start, you know, it's easier to fix a problem in the, the early stages of dysfunction than it is in the much later stages. So, you know, if you have a need, you need to communicate it early, not late.

Aaron Moncur: 18:42

How much do you think spouses want to hear their husband's engineering or not, but we'll say specifically, within the context of being an engineer, communicate, even if the, the the engineer him or herself, thinks internally, this isn't even helpful to say, or because sometimes, like, I'll want to say something, maybe we've had an argument about something, and I'll, I'll get in my head and be thinking like, well, I could I could see this, or I could say that, but I mean, is that even really gonna help? And I'm not sure if this is even worth talking about. And then 10 minutes later, I'm like, it's not gonna see anything at all. But maybe I should have, you know, Yeah, where's the line between what you should share and what you shouldn't share? I think in the case do you want

Kayla Moncur: 19:30

I mean, if you're in the middle of a conversation, then you know, further the conversation, if you have a thought in your head that needs to come out, like sure it but you know, if it's something that like just bugs you in the moment and you're like, I could bring this up. I don't know if it's gonna be helpful. Like, if you're still thinking about it a couple hours later, or here's my advice. If you're still thinking about it after you've had a nap or gone to sleep, like then it's worth bringing up like, I have a rule for myself that I can't make any life just Just when I'm tired, like nothing, I can't make any decisions after 7pm. I can't. Yeah, it's just not a good time for me to bring something up with you or decide to quit something or start something like, it's just, that's not when I'm in my clearest headspace. So like sleep on it, you know, eat something, go through the flow chart. And then, you know if it feels like it's still kind of niggling at the back of your mind, then yeah, it's worth it to bring it up.

Aaron Moncur: 20:27

Okay. All right. What else? Do you think the listeners need to hear about being married to an engineer?

Kayla Moncur: 20:34

Let's see. They're not that complicated. They need food and water, little bit of sunshine, they need to be put to bed early. They're like a toddler. No, they're not.

Aaron Moncur: 20:50

I don't know, I know some engineers that like to stay up very late.

Kayla Moncur: 20:53

I know, I don't understand that. That is not our dynamic. We are Early to bed. People, we really value our sleep 930 We're out. We're out. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, every engineer is different, just like every person is different. But I do. I do think that it's interesting. You know, engineering brains just think differently than then my brain, which is very much not an engineering brain. And so, you know, being married to you and learning how your brain works versus my brain has been, you know, we're 17 years and and we're still learning. So just takes time.

Aaron Moncur: 21:28

Can you think of any specific examples, any stories that you can tell about when you had an experience that made you think, oh, yeah, he really does think differently, like, on a fundamental level, not necessarily good or bad. But the way that his engineering brain works is fundamentally different than a non engineering brain.

Kayla Moncur: 21:52

I'm struggling to come up with something specific. But I do think when it comes to making big purchases, like our, you know, we've owned like, what is it three homes now? Cars, like, there's, you tend to come at it way more logically than I do. I'm just like, that's pretty, let's do it.

Aaron Moncur: 22:13

And here we go.

Kayla Moncur: 22:18

But yeah, like, that's something that you bring to the table is that you tend to think about it logically. And you think through pros and cons, and you've researched things way more than I do, like, you know, if you wanted to get a new truck, for example, you would, you know, do a whole bunch of research, and you'd watch a bunch of videos, and you would, you know, you'd read all the reviews, and I would just be like, my friend has this car, and she likes it. So I think that's what I'm gonna get, like, that's the extent of my thought process sometimes. Because for me, like, a positive rate, you know, a positive review from somebody I know and trust is good enough. And for you, it's, it's not like you really need to dig in. And, and I appreciate that about you. I think that's a really good thing that you bring to our relationship that balances out my, my, I don't know, my lack of interest in doing that. Research.

Aaron Moncur: 23:14

How about I don't know if this is specific to me, or to being an engineer, I have a feeling that a little bit of both, maybe, but I do have kind of an obsessive nature, sometimes with certain things. Do you think that is attributable to the engineering brain, and have there been different tools that you've used to kind of deal with that, because I know it can get obnoxious and it's not your favorite thing.

Kayla Moncur: 23:40

Um, it's more than I just have cultivated my own interests. Like, I know that there are some couples that just like to do everything together. And we're not like that we have our own interests, we have our things that we like, so that if you decide you want to go down a rabbit hole, that's fine. Like, I'm gonna go read a book or take on a house project or, you know, it's, it's fine. You know, you can enjoy those things that the Ignite your brain, you know, Jones is like this, he just, he finds things that he likes, and he just gets really into it. And I think he gets that from you. And I think it's great. You know, it's how it's how you learn. And, you know, it's how you have built up your company the way that you have and I think it's something that I can just let it let it go and let you do your thing while I go do mine. And then you know, we can reconnect. When you're ready to, you know, pop your head out of your rabbit hole.

Aaron Moncur: 24:36

That's wonderful. So what I'm hearing here is next time I really want that very specific crock pot chicken dinner. Three days in a row, you'll be like, yeah, no problem. Great plan. Let's do it.

Kayla Moncur: 24:49

That is not at all what I said.

Aaron Moncur: 24:55

Okay, well, I had to try. Alright. There was something else Oh, I was going to remark that this this idea of you and I we do in both enjoy our own alone time, right? We don't necessarily like to do everything together, like doing some things together, but we also like doing some things just by ourselves. And I think that what's the word? I'm having a brain lapse here?

Kayla Moncur: 25:26

Like introvert versus extrovert? Yes,

Aaron Moncur: 25:29

introvert extrovert? Yeah. Yeah, we're both introverts. I think a lot of engineers are probably introverts as well, if you were super extroverted, and I still being fairly introverted, how well would we get along? Do you think, total hypothetical situation?

Kayla Moncur: 25:47

I think we would. Honestly, I think we would function the same way. We already do. I would just like my when I say my own things, it would be less reading and more like maybe going, I don't know, going and doing something with a friend or something more outgoing. But I think that our dynamic would still be the same, but it works in our favor, because neither of us ever want to go places. So instead, we stay home. That's perfect.

Aaron Moncur: 26:16

Stay home, get DoorDash watch Netflix.

Kayla Moncur: 26:20

Yes, the perfect evening.

Aaron Moncur: 26:23

Yeah, we are home buddies. That's for sure.

Kayla Moncur: 26:25

We're home buddies. We just, we like our own space. We like our time at home. And we like our creature comforts, which is great.

Aaron Moncur: 26:34

Great. All right. Well, I don't have anything else. Unless there are any final thoughts that you would like to share?

Kayla Moncur: 26:40

Why did you want to be married to a non engineer?

Aaron Moncur: 26:44

See, it never even crossed my mind that like the non engineer aspect of that was not a thought I ever had is not like, I thought to myself, I really want to marry Kayla, the anthropologist. It was just you know, here's a quick thought I remember the when I realized that I did want to marry you. The trigger for that was I started measuring time in. I can see Kayla in three hours. Or I can see Kayla in two hours. And I that's probably an engineering thing there too, because I was measuring something

Kayla Moncur: 27:29

funny. Oh, that's very sweet, though.

Aaron Moncur: 27:32

No, I'm a sweet person.

Kayla Moncur: 27:34

You are a sweet person. Those engineers they're a sweet bunch.

Aaron Moncur: 27:38

Don't tell anyone. Our stoic, logical thinkers no emotion.

Kayla Moncur: 27:42

Nope. None at all.

Aaron Moncur: 27:44

Okay, all right. Well, I guess we can end things there. Thanks wifey.

Kayla Moncur: 27:49

You're welcome. I love you.

Aaron Moncur: 27:51

I love you too. I'm Aaron Moncur, founder of pipeline design and engineering. If you liked what you heard today, please share the episode. To learn how your team can leverage our team's expertise developing turnkey equipment, custom fixtures and automated machines and with product design, visit us at Team pipeline.us. Thanks for listening